All i know.

sometimes things just happened the way we want it but 90% happens with God's command and it is all in the matter of fate. I've been there so many times, not knowing whether to back down or to look left or to turn right or to just stay. Most of the time, i manipulate my feelings and mind, to not let them take control of me,  but at the end, they took the most of me into a deep dark hole. Always reminiscing things, remembering those summers, those days where happiness can be found in most of the people. i dont want to upset myself or anyone else anymore.  I dont want to waste my whole life thinking if im gonna make it cause im here already. im not turning back, chasing things that seems to be invalid in my life.

i've grew up now, and still growing each day, physically, mentally. one day, i may be a whole different person. a lot more to come soon. changes here and there. I never intended to find for a guy but i do need one as my companion. i dont know but whoever walks in soon, it is never expected or planned and i never say that relationship with me could stay permanent and dont expect me to change just because im not good enough. Realizing the fact that im not anyone else but only me.

In 5 years, i may be somewhere over the rainbow catching butterflies. And we might be living up two different world respectively. I might walk out and leave but never forget and memories dont fade. Or i might just stay here.

this is me, still having faith.

mediocre

why am i so self-destructive?
i always have to fuck good things up before anyone else did. its like i dont know how to act when things go well. it seems that im so used to this bullshit.

so far,
things are good. even some bullshits did happened these few weeks but im doing fine. As long as im in my direction and determined towards what i want, i will be fine. People leave, so what i can do? I wouldnt swallow my pride forcing them to stay. Its not worth it anyway. I told you that im a free-friend. I can be anyone's.

and i can see how people look at me. i started to get the feeling that they have issues with me. oh well. As what others say; Hated by many Wanted by plenty Disliked by some Confronted by none. What in the world makes you think that i would care? A step out from my life, I dont know you anymore. Not 'the one i used to know' or whatever fuck.

you see, i did not change. It is called, being more of myself. And it looks like you're stuck there, not knowing how to expand your life. I found my way. I know where im going. and maybe if you stop remarking my mistakes, you could start figure out yours. Dont be a kid, grow up. Its already 21st century, have brain.

Not hurt, but burned.

some days are good some days are better some days are just bullshit.

the only way i can feel better is to be an ignorant motherfucker. I never need anyone to live my life, i dont need any to tell me whats wrong and whats right anyways. i learned that people can fuck us up anytime and we would be broken by any offending words. Life is too awkward to live when we cant really show people who we really are. I started to act like im not me, like i've changed when the truth is i'm becoming more of myself. not changed.

If you want to stay, you will need to accept me as for who i am without any attention to change me. or otherwise you can jump off a bridge.

16 years of pursuing my dreams and giving up is my last option after 100 of others. Do you think its easy for me to go out there and survive? do you really think that my life wasnt that tough afterall? I work for almost everything. I always fail. but i manage to break free and be an emotionless bitch and have a life of my own and live it. People hated me. But they dont confront me. i dont give a single damn. because i know one thing, im strong and they are afraid of me. They are afraid of themselves. At least i dont pretend, im being myself and no one can tell me that its not okay to act this way cause im actually happy and divine.

i may be a slut a wild one or a good girl. it depends on how you see me. how you hear me. and how you think. my life is balance.

I dont talk because i dont feel like having a conversation but im okay. Get it straight just because im bein quiet and looks so un-lively alive doesnt mean im upset.

till then.

lesson one.

sudden urge of writing. about something that im unsure. you know what happens when we draw ourselves out from a relationship? it will put you in a certain circumstances. like regretting or your partner actually could do better without you.

that sucks.

and lets put you in another situation. you're a girl and a guy was hooked on you. and they tried to hit you by playing games with you. okay, lets say that he wants you but he wants you to be the one that notice him first and give him a sign of yes or no. you know what guys? it doesnt work. maybe it'll work for a bitch. but not for the true girls. A girl always know if the guy is playing with her feelings. so what do we do even if we like you too, we will back off and leave and let you realize that who's in need. Lets get it straight. Tell it in our face. Easier. dont go and keep on bitching with us. we know deep in our hearts and we just pretended like we dont know what you're trying to do. we're smart. (well maybe some of us are)

just saying, hope this will help.